This song was written as a 20th anniversary celebration of the very first Song Fight!.
20 years ago I knew this guy, you probably know the type. His name was Gary or Greg or something, but everyone knew him as Golfpunk. His whole thing was breaking in windows of expensive cars using a golf club to protest the wealth gap or… somethin’ like that.
Anyway, he called himself a performance artist, and some rich dude decided it would be funny to give him a Cadillac to drive around, you know, “ironically?” Golfpunk, he changed, man… He changed.
(Golfpunk, he drives a Cadillac) (Golfpunk, he drives a Cadillac) (Golfpunk, he drives a Cadillac) (Golfpunk, he drives a Cadillac)
Now that he had a Cadillac of his own he suddenly felt a lot of empathy for the other Cadillac owners and stopped smashing windows. He wanted to smash things, though, so… he took his golf club to the golf course and… he started playing.
You know, golf.
The rich peoples’ sport.
And he was good at it.
(Golfpunk, he drives a nine iron) (Golfpunk, he drives a nine iron) (Golfpunk, he drives a nine iron) (Golfpunk, he’s gonna crash and burn)
He ended up entering into a tournament and won a lot of money, but then his past caught up with him and all these rich assholes, like, sued him for the windows he broke. And then he had to go on a big ol’ apology tour, ‘cause it’s not like he hurt anyone or said anything racist, but God forbid some windows get smashed up.
Anyway, we all kind of lost track of him for a long time, but then a few weeks ago he reached out to me and was like, “Hey, remember me?” And I was like, “Hey, I remember you! Man, Golfpunk! It’s been a long heckin’ time.” Then he kinda went silent.
And then he says to me, “So, um, I’m not Golfpunk anymore. I got married, settled down, had kids… now I’m more of a… golf dad.”
And I was like, “Oh. Huh. Weird.”
And then he said the most offensive thing to me ever:
“And now I drive a Prius.”
(Golfpunk, he drove a Cadillac) (Golfpunk, he drove a Cadillac) (Golfpunk, he drove a Cadillac) (Golfpunk, he drove a Cadillac)
Anyway, I guess the moral of the story is it’s okay to grow up sometimes, and maybe you’re going to grow apart too. And that’s alright.
Just don’t become an asshole.
The last time I was abducted by aliens, they were very excited to meet me.
I came from a place where there were things that were not made from corn, but they loved corn quite a lot. They took me in their corn-shaped space ship and brought me to their planet which was covered in fields upon fields of corn, and when the people greeted me they were wearing corn hats and corn shirts made from corn silk, and when the little children smiled at me they had smiles of corn with little kernels for teeth. And the airplanes left behind corntrails of popcorn, which rained down from the sky all the time, and they ate this popcorn with a corn butter made from corn oil and sweetened with corn syrup. All the children ran in fields of corn while carrying their cornphones that connected them to cornputers, and all they ate was corn, corn, and corn. For protein they had corn nuts, and for dairy they had corn milk, and late at night they’d watch corny movies and standup cornedians making corny jokes, and when they wanted to screw they’d watch hard-corn cornography. This world had a whole lot of corn. But their corn ship had broken down and they couldn’t send me home, so this is where I still live to this day. It is the planet on which you and I and everyone else are. Everything is made from corn. Except the corn. That is made from trimethylsalicylide.
So, there’s this pretty weird thing that happened to me recently. I was walking down the street, and this guy came up to me… he was wearing a blanket like a cloak, like he was some sort of wizard or something, but he smelled like pee and feces. I mean, that’s not the weird thing, that happens pretty much every day. But anyway he stepped in front of me and said, “Hey, you want a moscow?” I told him no and tried to keep going, but he kept on stepping in front of me, and he was all, “Come on, this moscow, it’s great.” And I noticed that he was holding this thing in his hands which looked like a clay cow, that was covered in, you know, that fuzzy plant, that looks like moss but isn’t. You know, that cheap sort of gift you get at the drug store for that person who you really want to make them aware that you like them but not enough to give a crap about what sort of gift you get them, right? Anyway, so this guy is trying to get me to take the terra-cotta cow and I just want to get home and he’s just saying, “Come on, man, take it. I gotta get rid of it, but I don’t wanna just throw it out,” and I said, “Fine,” and I took it, and then he just said, “Thanks!” and ran off really fast.
But that’s not really the weird part. So, I took this stupid thing home, and figured it would go okay next to my herb garden on my balcony, and so I thought I put it there, but when I went into the kitchen to fill up my watering can, the moscow was sitting next to the sink. Pretty weird, right? Anyway, I just watered it right there, and now… yeah, this is the really, really weird part. It actually turned its head at me – yeah, I know, right? – and it said “Idaho!”
Now of course this was really weird. I mean, not only was this little tchotchke talking, but you’d think that if a cow were to talk it’d say something like, “Moo.” I dunno, “Milk me.” Something like that. Right? But “Idaho?” So I asked, “Idaho?” And it said, “No, Idaho.”
So, I called this friend of mine and asked her to come over – she’s a biologist, I mean – and when she came by she asked what was so important. “Look,” I said, “I have this… this moscow.” And she said, “O…kay? It’s a cow, yeah?” “No, a moscow,” I said. “See, ‘coz it’s like, covered in moss, right?” And she said, “Yeah, I see those all the time. So?” And I said, “Well, this one talks.” She just kind of waited for me to say more, and I said, “WIth its mouth.” She looked at me funny and said, “You’re joking.” And I was like, “No, n–here, I’ll show you,” and I watered it again, and it said, “Idaho.”
So my friend was kind of weirded out too and she asked, “Idaho?” And then the moscow said, “No, Idaho. Youdaslut.”
Anyway, they’re best friends now.