This, too, ended up not going into a game that got released in time for the jam, due to time constraints and overly-ambitious scope. I’m detecting a theme, here.

This year did not have a good track record for me. I’d definitely prefer if people who come to me for music have a plan to release something even if it’s unfinished.

For a visual novel prequel to Gooning Simulator I was given a rather long and detailed pitch, but for the jam the scope was limited to just a single flirting scene at a bar. Maybe this game will get more music later.

Game: Meeting Mistress

Every month, Jeremy Blake runs a songwriting challenge where a theme is provided, and for February, the theme was “liminal music,” i.e. music made for things like save/safe rooms in action/horror/survival games. Being games-related I felt like this fit in with the jam, even though it wasn’t done for a Strawberry Jam game per se.

I don’t really have a lot to say about this track since I don’t play a lot of games with a safe room mechanism to begin with, because real life is already anxiety-inducing enough. So I just thought I’d capture the tension of being in a room where you’re trying to get away from the world but can’t completely forget about it.

If The Supper Club was a love letter to Song Fight!, this one’s a Dear John.

In 2024, Song Fight! Live finally came back as an in-person event, after several years away due to the COVID-19 pandemic. When I arrived in Denver, though, I felt like I was only there out of obligation, and over the course of the next few days I felt like maybe I was done with Song Fight! for so many reasons. The community was a great way for me to get started as a songwriter, but it was starting to feel like I needed to pull back a bit and not be so emotionally-invested in it.

Over the next few days I had several good conversations with close friends in the community. They didn’t make me feel much better about Song Fight! itself (and in fact helped me to put words to some of the specific things I was feeling particularly bad about), but they did make me feel better about thinking it was time for me to move on.

I so was burned out and so frustrated at this thing that had been so important to me for so long, over half of my life at this point. The other music I’d been doing – small solo performances and scoring for video games and short films – was making me much happier than this ongoing thing, this community that used to bring me such joy.

So for the live fight title of “Valley Highway,” I decided to write a swan song.

But being up on stage, performing with friends, getting the reactions from folks about how much I’ve grown over the years and how much better we’ve all become for having participated in this ridiculous thing for so long? I started to feel a lot better.

I’m still not sure I want to be quite so involved in Song Fight! anymore, but at least I feel good about the time I’ve spent with it, and it’ll probably always be there for me when I need it.

Song Fight! has been so important to me, but it’s okay to move on.

Lyrics: Valley Highway

It is time for me to go Down this newly open road I am grateful for how I have Had some of the best times of my life

Looking to the setting sun Looking out for number one Half a life is better than Having never lived a life at all Stuffed inside a letterbox Regrets and things better left unsaid

Here we are In the valley of my dreams

Time to fly Try to live up to my means

I remain so grateful for some Of the best times of my life

Under stormy desert skies Where my former passion lies Chasing down a memory of Better times and times left yet to come Fix my broken wings right up Because it’s long past time for me to fly

Here we are On the highway to my dreams

Time to fly Try to live up to my means

I remain so grateful for some Of the best times of my life

I remain forever grateful For some of the best times of my life

He was an openly gay man in his 50s. I was a mostly-closeted trans gal in my 20s. I was open to him. He was supportive.

He claimed he’d had a hard life, and had many stories to tell. Most of them reeked of bullshit to me. I’m not sure how much was true.

He’d become infatuated with me, and wanted to talk up my “brilliant mind.” I always felt like he was trying to coerce me into a relationship with him.

He would often send me letters to this effect.

This song isn’t about what happened between us, but it was certainly inspired by it.

I don’t know what’s become of him. We did briefly cross paths in a YouTube comment thread, of all the odd places, and I invited him to reconnect, but nothing happened from that.

I hope he’s doing well and that he’s found the love that he needs.

Lyrics: Paper Cuts

I got your letter Addressed to me Don’t know why you sent it It’s such a mystery

You said you’re broken Trying to hide Asked me how I’m doing, said you’re Burning up inside

You tell a story A lover in the past You say you think this time will be different That we will last

I don’t need this kind of attention And I don’t want your affection I don’t want you to always tell me How you think this is meant to be

Another letter You talk of dreams Seeing us together And everything’s serene

Another story How everything was wrong Until the day you met me, how I’m Wonderful and strong

I think you should know It’s hard on me The love you think you have is just a Cause of misery

I don’t need this kind of attention And I don’t want your affection I don’t want you to always tell me How you think this is meant to be

Another letter The paper splattered red By the time I read this you think That you might be dead

You said you loved me Why did I lead you on I’m pretty sure I didn’t want your Melancholy song

I call your lover She says you’re doing fine She told me that you said to tell me, “Please stay on the line”

I don’t need this kind of attention And I don’t want your affection I don’t want you to ever tell me How you think this is meant to be

You say you’re sorry For acting such a fool But can we still be friends if it would Not be cold and cruel

I say I’m sorry I never wanted you The image that you had of me was Anything but true

You say you’re sorry We share a quiet shame I’m sorry if you wanted me I just don’t feel the same

I took a bit of a break from Song Fight!, because I was getting frustrated both with some of the aspects of the community, but also with how my missteps kept on causing me to activate interpersonal landmines.

I was trying so hard to be helpful but never stopped to think whether what I was doing was actually helpful.

And at the same time I had a lot of insecurity about my skills as a musician.

And at the same time I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do in terms of gender and transition and so on, and I was getting very little support from most of the people around me, especially folks in Song Fight!.

The term “nonbinary” didn’t exist as far as I’m aware in 2003, but that’s what part of this song is about: not feeling like I fit in to either category, and needing to be happy with just being me.

Lyrics: Fool in the Middle

Life is like a riddle Stuck in the middle I have been such a fool A fool in the middle

Not so bad but not so good I don’t do all the things that I should I have been such a fool A fool in the middle

Everything I do makes it worse Just a speck in the universe Have I been such a fool A fool in the middle

People always put me down But they say they like having me around And that makes me a bitter fool A fool in the middle

One side pink and one side blue Purple’s gonna have to do People can be very cruel when you’re Stuck in the middle

Life is like a riddle Stuck in the middle I have been such a fool A fool in the middle

Life is like a riddle Stuck in the middle I have been such a fool A fool in the middle

I wrote this song in response to a well-meaning but clueless friend who saw I was suffering and would tell me I should “just cheer up.”

“Just cheer up” won’t make me less depressed.

“Just cheer up” won’t solve my anxiety.

“Just cheer up” won’t fix my chronic pain.

“Just cheer up” won’t take away my stressors.

“Just cheer up” won’t stop the world from hating me just for being me.

Fuck toxic positivity.

Anyway I think it was pretty bold of me to rhyme “up” with “up.” Those are the kinds of innovative lyrical ideas that normally only come with decades of experience.

Lyrics: Alright Alright

I know what you’re gonna say Today just must not be my day I get your point already, Alright, alright?

Things aren’t always gonna go my way But tomorrow is another day You’re not helping me to feel very steady, though, Alright, alright?

I get your point already No need to fight I’m just not feeling so steady Alright, alright?

Please don’t try to cheer me up Yes I know I have enough coffee in my cup I get your point already Alright, alright?

Your voice is getting me twisted up If you don’t stop talking, I am hanging up Your cheer isn’t helping me feel any more All right, alright?

I get your point already No need to fight I’m just not feeling so steady Alright, alright?

Don’t you even try To think that I Just need to have it pointed out that It’ll be alright

Metaphorically I I just wanna die Or at least have the world go away Until I am alright

I know what you’re gonna say Today just must not be my day I get your point already, Alright, alright!

I know what you’re gonna say Today just must not be my day I get your point already, Alright, alright

When Song Fight! posted the title “Repair My Heart,” I had just bought a CD-R of “royalty-free” loops (of extremely dubious origin) which came with a whole bunch of interesting beats and instrument one-shots. In particular there was a fun jungle beat which sounded like an off-kilter heartbeat to me.

So, I made a lo-fi jungle-ish track for my second Song Fight! entry.

There’s a long-running debate within Song Fight! about the legitimacy of instrumental tracks; one of the prevailing beliefs is that there’s nothing that ties an instrumental to the title, and what stops someone from entering an instrumental song for any given title, and then later entering it again for another title?

So I am quite pleased that Frankie Big Face, who was at one time one of the staunchest advocates of that above line of thinking, held up my Repair My Heart as a rare exception to that, an instrumental which could only work with that title.

Anyway, here it is as a jazz ensemble.

Back in the late 90s I had a quite vivid dream about an impossible love that could not exist, and I wrote the first version of the lyrics for this song, and had a vague idea for the chords.

In either late December 2000 or early January 2001, I was visiting my parents during winter break from grad school and noticed that a bunch of my favorite webcomics were all part of what was called the Dumbrella collective. I decided to poke around on the main Dumbrella website, and I noticed a thing on it called “Song Fight!,” which was a songwriting contest where the person running it, Narbotic, would invite his friends to make songs for a single title, as a continuation from his own website where he’d take random title suggestions and make weird little songs for them.

There was also an announcement that the next title, Zero to Phantom, would be open to anyone to submit to the title.

I had absolutely no ideas for it.

But the next title to go up, I LOVE YOU, reminded me of the song I’d written a few years before, and I decided to dust it off. I figured that it’d make a perfect guitar song.

The problem is, I only barely knew a couple of chords, and I didn’t have a guitar. At this point nearly all of my music production had been weird chiptunes.

So I went to a pawn shop and paid too much for some broken and dusty piece of crap, and figured out a few more chords, and I didn’t have a pick so I sanded down a chunk of a broken CD-R to make one, and I tried to record the song.

Unfortunately, I did not know how to actually record live audio, and I didn’t have the finger strength or stamina to even play through the whole song anyway.

So, I sampled all of the chords I knew and a couple of little riffs, loaded them up into Impulse Tracker, and tried sequencing the chords together. Then I recorded my vocals and chopped them up into samples and loaded them up into Impulse Tracker too, and then kinda-sorta assembled things together.

At the time, I didn’t know how to sing, either. I also hadn’t worked out the rhythm of the vocals and just kind of figured it out as I went.

The song was an absolute mess. But I submitted it to Song Fight! anyway, and the reaction was… adequate enough that it inspired me to keep going, and this started my process of slowly building up a bunch of skills for songwriting, guitar playing, recording, singing, and so much more.

This isn’t the first song I ever wrote, but it is ultimately the one that started me on my journey as a musician.

Lyrics: I LOVE YOU

The sun comes right up And there’s nothing I can do But state my mind, recite my point of view

It warms up my hair Passes behind a cloud I’m sitting here, thinking here of you

It shines in my eyes Like a beautiful swirl It blows my mind, and trembles in my view

I cannot think Of anyone in this world I’d rather spend my whole life with than you

I cannot believe Our love could go askew I would rather think What it’s like to be with you

I take a deep breath Let it out real slow The air is warm and smells of sweetened dew

It warms up my head I can see it now I’m sitting here, madly loving you

The world closes in Everything’s a blur I’m feeling dizzy, look around for you

I can’t help but think This must have been a dream Because you are nowhere within my view

I could not believe Our love would go askew I would rather think What it’s like to be with you

I’d like to be with you

The Plus 5 version of Listen Close. For this version I just did it as introverted jazz and just left the angsty lyrics behind.

I didn’t update this one for Transitions because I don’t think the song says anything that needed to be said, and what few interesting musical things happen in it are better covered by the final version of Sunny Again.

This is a version that I’d done for Plus 5. If it weren’t for the fact I’d already re-redone this song for Love and Monsters it’d have gone onto Transitions, so I figured I’d might as well put this version onto Deadnames for completeness’ sake.

This song, incidentally, was about the same breakup that Birds Of Our Own was sort of about.

Lyrics: 120 MPH [Plus 5, 2006]

One hundred twenty miles per hour It sure is cold outside alone One hundred twenty miles away After an hour far from home

One hundred twenty miles between us Why did you have to hurt me so One hundred twenty miles and counting I’m sorry that I had to go

Why did you hurt me was it (turn around and glare) Something that I said (aware) I try and try (unfair)

Why did you hurt me why (turn around and stare) Did I have to leave Why do I have to love you (nowhere) ‘Till the day I die (prepare)

One hundred twenty miles per hour It is now time to move along One hundred twenty miles away From everything that was so wrong

One hundred twenty miles between us It is now crystal clear to me One hundred twenty miles and counting We simply were not meant to be

Why did I even put up with (turn around and glare) your stupidity Why did I bother with you (aware) Now I cannot see (unfair)

How could I let you lead me (catch me unaware) On so very long I hope to never miss you (we share) Now that you are gone (repair)

One hundred twenty miles per hour I’m sure to get away from you One hundred twenty miles away It has vastly improved my view

One hundred twenty miles between us I just don’t need you anymore One hundred twenty miles and counting Good riddance, don’t wait at the door

Just as with I LOVE YOU, the Transitions version of this song is basically the Plus 5 version, done somewhat more competently.

Yes, that’s a musical reference to Katamari Damacy.

Lyrics: Sunny Again [Song Fight!, 2003]

Oh, it’s just another sunny day Why did someone have to chase the clouds away I just don’t want to come outside and play I just want the rain to wash my tears away

Don’t want you coming here, try to change my mind You don’t know just how I feel, I feel I’m feeling fine You don’t know what it’s like, living in my brain It’s not the things you think that keep me in this pain

Today is just another sunny day Why don’t you go and chase some fucking clouds away I don’t want to come outside and play today I just want the rain to wash my tears away

I’m being eaten at from every fucking side They smack me down, want me to drown, and take me for a ride You want to make me think it isn’t them it’s me It will not work you fucking jerk, I know how it should be

Oh it’s just another sunny day I wish the clouds could come and stay, for that I pray Please just leave me alone and go away Don’t want to see you now, just leave me alone today

I know I seem I’m on the edge of something bad You scream and shout I’m “flipping out,” you’re just making me mad I’m the one who’s fine, it’s everyone else who’s insane But people suck, I’m out of luck, I just can’t play this game

Oh, it’s just another sunny day Please let me be, don’t bother me today I’m sick of you trying to chase my clouds away I just want you to go the fuck away

Oh, it’s just another sunny day Why did someone have to chase my clouds away I just don’t want to come outside and play I just want you to stay

Lyrics: Fool In The Middle [Song Fight!, 2003]

(One, two, three four)

Life is like a riddle Stuck in the middle I have been such a fool A fool in the middle

Not so bad but not so good I don’t do the things that I should I have been such a fool A fool in the middle

Everything I do makes it worse Just a speck in the universe Have I been such a fool A fool in the middle

Everybody puts me down But they say they like having me around And that makes me a bitter fool A fool in the middle

One side pink and one side blue Purple’s gonna have to do People can be very cruel when you’re Stuck in the middle

Life is like a riddle Stuck in the middle I have been such a fool A fool in the middle

Life is like a riddle Stuck in the middle I have been such a fool A fool in the middle

Lyrics: Alright Alright [Song Fight!, 2001]

I know what you’re gonna say Today just must not be my day I get your point already Alright, alright

Things aren’t always gonna go my way But tomorrow is just another day You’re not helping me to feel very steady though Alright, alright

I get your point already No need to fight I’m just not f…eeling so steady Alright, alright

Please don’t try to cheer me up Yes I know I have enough coffee in my cup I— I get your point already Alright, alright

Your voice is getting me twisted up If you don’t stop talking I am hanging up Your cheerfulness isn’t making me feel anymore Alright, alright

Don’t you even try To think that I Just need to have it pointed out that It’ll be alright

Metaphorically I I just wanna die Or at least have the world go away until I am alright

I know what you’re gonna say Today just must not be my day I get your point already Alright, alright

I- I know what you’re gonna say Today just must not be my day I get your point already Alright, alright

Lyrics: Birds of Our Own [Song Fight!, 2001]

I always wanted a bird of my own My mother had one but it had flown Away when she opened the window To let it be free as she loved it so

She always said that it would be, “If you love someone you set them free” And I know that I would love it so And I would open the window

It’s always sad when one’s not good Being in a cage made of Norwegian wood I’d hope that someone would love me so Much as to open my window

Dooo doo doo dooo doo

I once had a man, or should I say He once had me for a single day I thought that he had loved me so But he would not open my window

I flew away in a single day He chased me but I ran away Back to a place that I could be Myself and by myself be free

I always wanted a bird of my own My mother had one but it had flown Away when she opened the window To let it be free as she loved it so

This song is about me being super annoyed at the transphobia I was experiencing on the Song Fight! forums. I decided to turn it into a way-too-long jazz jam, which I mostly improvised in real-time (aside from the lyrics).

For the recording I used my Yamaha DD-50 drum machine for the backing track, and played my keyboard with the MIDI piped in through my SIDstation, and recorded both simultaneously while improvisationally changing the SIDstation’s patch and parameters.

I guess it’s okay. The “In a [time] or two or three” idea would eventually get reused for Five Minutes; this was basically a lyrical gimmick which I used to mean “eventually, hopefully soon, possibly never.”

It did eventually become the case that I have to sit down to pee, though.

Lyrics: Listen Close [Song Fight, 2001]

Listen close, close to me I’m changing can’t you see In a year or two or three No one will recognize me

I know your point of view Knows not how this can be true But the demographics I skew Don’t care about what I do

Listen close, close to me This is not some malarkey I’m the door and you the key Please try to unlock me

You can see the way I move In every way I groove For you it would behoove Of this change to approve

Listen close, close to me I am changing, can’t you see In a year or two or three I’ll have to sit down to pee

I know your point of view Knows not what I’m going through But the demographics that I skew Don’t care about what I do

Listen close, close to me This is not some malarkey I’m the door and you the key Please unlock me Unlock me Unlock me Unlock meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Eeeeeeeee

[7 minutes of aimless jamming later…]

Listen close, close to me This is not some malarkey I’m the door and you the key Please try to unlock me

Listen close, close to me I’m changing, can’t you see In a year or two or three No one will recognize me

Listen

Originally for Song Fight!, 2010

This was a dumb idea I had right before the deadline and the original recording took me about 5 minutes to do, including composing it and writing the lyrics.

This version took me a little longer to do.

Lyrics: After Hours

Open up your door Open up your door Open up your door Please open up your door

Open up your door Please open up your door Open up your door Please open up your door

Open up your door (Open up!) Open up your door (Please open!) Open up your door (Could you open the door please?) Please open up your door (I know you’re in there!)

Open up your door (I can see the light on through the window) Please open up your door (Could you please open the door?) Open up your door (The door, you should open it!) Please open up your door (I know you’re in there!)

Open up your door Please open up your door Open up your door Please open up your door

Open up your door Please open up your door Open up your door Please open up your door

Open up your door Please open up your door Open up your door Please open up your door

Open up your door Please open up your door Open up your door Please open up your door

Open up your door Please open up your door Open up your door Please open up your door

Open up your door Please open up your door Open up your door Please open up your door I need to use your bathroom