If The Supper Club was a love letter to Song Fight!, this one’s a Dear John.

In 2024, Song Fight! Live finally came back as an in-person event, after several years away due to the COVID-19 pandemic. When I arrived in Denver, though, I felt like I was only there out of obligation, and over the course of the next few days I felt like maybe I was done with Song Fight! for so many reasons. The community was a great way for me to get started as a songwriter, but it was starting to feel like I needed to pull back a bit and not be so emotionally-invested in it.

Over the next few days I had several good conversations with close friends in the community. They didn’t make me feel much better about Song Fight! itself (and in fact helped me to put words to some of the specific things I was feeling particularly bad about), but they did make me feel better about thinking it was time for me to move on.

I so was burned out and so frustrated at this thing that had been so important to me for so long, over half of my life at this point. The other music I’d been doing – small solo performances and scoring for video games and short films – was making me much happier than this ongoing thing, this community that used to bring me such joy.

So for the live fight title of “Valley Highway,” I decided to write a swan song.

But being up on stage, performing with friends, getting the reactions from folks about how much I’ve grown over the years and how much better we’ve all become for having participated in this ridiculous thing for so long? I started to feel a lot better.

I’m still not sure I want to be quite so involved in Song Fight! anymore, but at least I feel good about the time I’ve spent with it, and it’ll probably always be there for me when I need it.

Song Fight! has been so important to me, but it’s okay to move on.

Lyrics: Valley Highway

It is time for me to go Down this newly open road I am grateful for how I have Had some of the best times of my life

Looking to the setting sun Looking out for number one Half a life is better than Having never lived a life at all Stuffed inside a letterbox Regrets and things better left unsaid

Here we are In the valley of my dreams

Time to fly Try to live up to my means

I remain so grateful for some Of the best times of my life

Under stormy desert skies Where my former passion lies Chasing down a memory of Better times and times left yet to come Fix my broken wings right up Because it’s long past time for me to fly

Here we are On the highway to my dreams

Time to fly Try to live up to my means

I remain so grateful for some Of the best times of my life

I remain forever grateful For some of the best times of my life

It was August 2004. I had just moved to New York City in July, and I had dreams of establishing myself as a musician and also finally transitioning and being able to be myself.

Turns out that “myself” is still just super introverted and socially anxious, and places like New York wear me down faster than they build me up.

Anyway the bit about “start a new family” was inspired by a stupid cishet-normative ad for life insurance that was plastered all over the subway at the time, about a mediocre man wanting to start a family and have two kids. In my take on it in the lyrics I never actually specify which part of the family I’d be taking, and I like to think that I’m just some sort of random factor that leads to a family being started without any continuing involvement of my own. Or maybe I’m the family pet. Who knows. This song is about random nerve firings that were going through my brain while sitting lonely on the subway and feeling isolated, and not about my actual aspirations.

This song always sort of felt like it would be the pivotal moment in a semi-fictional musical about my life, and I guess that in the end, that’s kind of what this album as a whole is.

This song would also be the second-to-last Song Fight! song I entered under the “band” name “fluffy porcupine.”

New York was, also, not the place for me, and a few months after first recording Run Faster (which was about my job situation in New York), I would end up moving to Seattle, and it was time to reinvent myself again. I experimented with a few different band names before finally settling on “Sockpuppet,” a reference to how many other names I’d been operating under, and how I am one person presenting myself as an entire ensemble.

In effect, this song marked the ending of one chapter in my life, and the beginning of the next. But my story is still being written, at least for now.

Lyrics: Five Minutes

Just like in a picture show I know where I want to go This is not the place for me And I’m moving on

There are people that I know In the place I want to go I can be what I wanna be I hope I’m not wrong

I think it’s time for me to get my five minutes of fame When I get there everybody will be so glad that I came It won’t be so long before everyone knows my name Without a doubt we’ll talk about the Things I never ever thought I’d Find someone to talk to about

Just like in a picture show I know where I’m gonna go This just seems so right for me It’s like I’m already gone

All the people that I know Tell me where I need to go In a day or two or three Nothing will be wrong

I think it’s time to start again with a brand new life Leave behind some of a past that has been filled with strife Start a new family, two kids, a husband, and a wife I sold my car I’m going far to Start again beginning friendship With five minutes left to the end

Just like in a picture show I know where I’m gonna go This is not the place for me Goodbye, and so long

I wrote this song in response to a well-meaning but clueless friend who saw I was suffering and would tell me I should “just cheer up.”

“Just cheer up” won’t make me less depressed.

“Just cheer up” won’t solve my anxiety.

“Just cheer up” won’t fix my chronic pain.

“Just cheer up” won’t take away my stressors.

“Just cheer up” won’t stop the world from hating me just for being me.

Fuck toxic positivity.

Anyway I think it was pretty bold of me to rhyme “up” with “up.” Those are the kinds of innovative lyrical ideas that normally only come with decades of experience.

Lyrics: Alright Alright

I know what you’re gonna say Today just must not be my day I get your point already, Alright, alright?

Things aren’t always gonna go my way But tomorrow is another day You’re not helping me to feel very steady, though, Alright, alright?

I get your point already No need to fight I’m just not feeling so steady Alright, alright?

Please don’t try to cheer me up Yes I know I have enough coffee in my cup I get your point already Alright, alright?

Your voice is getting me twisted up If you don’t stop talking, I am hanging up Your cheer isn’t helping me feel any more All right, alright?

I get your point already No need to fight I’m just not feeling so steady Alright, alright?

Don’t you even try To think that I Just need to have it pointed out that It’ll be alright

Metaphorically I I just wanna die Or at least have the world go away Until I am alright

I know what you’re gonna say Today just must not be my day I get your point already, Alright, alright!

I know what you’re gonna say Today just must not be my day I get your point already, Alright, alright

I was going through some shit.

I’m better now.

Lyrics: Stronger Than

I am stronger than you Not a thing to do When you cried I knew I am stronger than you I will always try To live to see you die You know always that I I will always try I am stronger than you Not a thing to do When you cried I knew I am stronger than You don’t know what I’m going through You can’t see from my point of view You will be on my mind You won’t be hard to find

I am stronger than you Not a thing to do When you cried I knew I am stronger than you I will always try To live to see you die You know always that I I will always try I am stronger than you Not a thing to do When you cried I knew I am stronger than You don’t know what I’m going through You can’t see from my point of view You will be on my mind You won’t be hard to find

I am stronger than you Not a thing to do When you cried I knew

I am stronger than you Not a thing to do When you cried

I am stronger than you

I am stronger than you

Lazy jazz turns into screamy punk. While going through my archives I found out that I’d actually tried resuscitating this project for a few other albums and it never quite worked out then either. I have scrapped versions in foodsexsleep and in Songs of Substance. I’d forgotten all about that.

Lyrics: Birds of Our Own [Plus 5, 2006]

I always wanted a bird of my own My mother had one but it had flown Away when she opened the window To let it be free as she loved it so

She always said that it would be, “If you love someone you set them free” And I know that I would love it so And I would open the window

It’s always sad when one’s not good Being in a cage made of Norwegian wood I’d hope that someone would love me so Much as to open my window

I once had a man, or should I say He once had me for a single day I thought that he had loved me so But he would not open my window

I flew away in a single day He chased me but I ran away Back to a place that I could be Myself and by myself be free

I always wanted a bird of my own My mother had one but it had flown Away when she opened the window To let it be free as she loved it so

Lyrics: Five Minutes [Song Fight!, 2004]

Just like in a picture show I know where I want to go This is not the place for me And I’m moving on

There are people that I know In the place I want to go I can be what I wanna be I hope I’m not wrong

I think it’s time for me to get my five minutes of fame When I get there everybody will be so glad that I came And it won’t be so long before everyone knows my name Without a doubt we’ll talk about the Things I never ever thought I’d Find someone to talk to about

Just like in a picture show I know where I’m gonna go It just seems so right for me Like I’m already gone

All the people that I know Tell me where I need to go In a day or two or three Nothing will be wrong

It’s about time to start again with a brand new life Leave behind some of a past that has been filled with strife Start a new family, two kids, a husband, and a wife I sold my car I’m going far to Start again beginning friendship With five minutes left to the end

Just like in a picture show I know where I’m gonna go This is not the place for me Goodbye, and so long

This song is about me being super annoyed at the transphobia I was experiencing on the Song Fight! forums. I decided to turn it into a way-too-long jazz jam, which I mostly improvised in real-time (aside from the lyrics).

For the recording I used my Yamaha DD-50 drum machine for the backing track, and played my keyboard with the MIDI piped in through my SIDstation, and recorded both simultaneously while improvisationally changing the SIDstation’s patch and parameters.

I guess it’s okay. The “In a [time] or two or three” idea would eventually get reused for Five Minutes; this was basically a lyrical gimmick which I used to mean “eventually, hopefully soon, possibly never.”

It did eventually become the case that I have to sit down to pee, though.

Lyrics: Listen Close [Song Fight, 2001]

Listen close, close to me I’m changing can’t you see In a year or two or three No one will recognize me

I know your point of view Knows not how this can be true But the demographics I skew Don’t care about what I do

Listen close, close to me This is not some malarkey I’m the door and you the key Please try to unlock me

You can see the way I move In every way I groove For you it would behoove Of this change to approve

Listen close, close to me I am changing, can’t you see In a year or two or three I’ll have to sit down to pee

I know your point of view Knows not what I’m going through But the demographics that I skew Don’t care about what I do

Listen close, close to me This is not some malarkey I’m the door and you the key Please unlock me Unlock me Unlock me Unlock meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Eeeeeeeee

[7 minutes of aimless jamming later…]

Listen close, close to me This is not some malarkey I’m the door and you the key Please try to unlock me

Listen close, close to me I’m changing, can’t you see In a year or two or three No one will recognize me

Listen

This was written for Circle of Titles in 2016, when I was assigned the title “Strategies to Live,” which felt super relevant given the then-recent Presidential election which was at odds with my safety as a trans person.

It took me five years to release this album, and I kept on feeling like it was too late to release this topical song, and yet, somehow it manages to remain topical.

Lyrics: Strategies to Live

You can hide yourself down a deep, dark hole Or hoist yourself on a really tall pole Anything that’ll help you get away

You can do heavy drugs to numb the pain, or Ask a surgeon to remove your brain So you can fit right in and start to play

Change your face and change your name Hide everything that brings you shame Or go on a preemptive sneak attack

Dig deep into the viper’s pit Embroil yourself in petty shit Just commit ‘coz there’s no turning back

Oh, I wish I didn’t worry oh so much Oh, I wish I could feel fine Oh, if only all my hopes weren’t out of touch I wish my safety wasn’t on the line

If you’re accused of doing a bad crime Want to hide for a very very very long time Consider all the possibilities

Make a run for President Convince the people you are heaven sent You might just win and then you are home free

Even if you’re caught lying Everyone gives you points for trying It’s not that the bear stakes well, it skates at all

Even if you destroy the world It doesn’t matter, you can fuck every girl And then you can go home and take your ball

Oh, I wish I didn’t worry oh so much Oh, I wish I could feel fine Oh, if only all my hopes weren’t out of touch I wish my safety wasn’t on the line

In the long run everything will be fine It will just be a matter of time, in Twelve billion years this will all be gone

In the meantime just try to survive The world is better with you alive Outliving him is a reason to go on

The pain from the previous four days turned out to be due to a clot in my leg that was growing rapidly, and part of it broke off and went to my lungs, giving me a pulmonary embolism. Because of the clot I had to cease taking my HRT and start taking blood thinners. I was told I may not be able to get back on HRT ever again.

I was happy to still be alive but not looking forward to the impending hormonal crisis.

But I am still around, and defiantly making music.

Lyrics: Run Faster

I’m giving it my all But I’m heading for a fall When all that I can do Is run faster

For something less than I am worth As I tumble down to Earth But all that I can do Is run faster

Please listen to the way I feel I need to get some more time to heal My lungs are getting ready to explode I can’t run any faster

I get the feeling I should leave It’s getting harder to believe You don’t know what it is I’m going through I’m running faster

How can you tell me what to do If I am dead I will not see things through What you want isn’t easy done or said I’d like to see you run faster

I’ve given you my all But I’m ready for a fall When all you let me do Is run faster

I’ve given you my all But I’m ready for a fall When all you let me do Is run faster